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Crusade Challenge Part Deux

The Challenge:

Write a flash fiction story (in any format) in 100 words or less, excluding the title. Begin the story with the words, "The goldfish bowl teetered". These four words will be included in the word count.

If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional, and not part of the judging criteria), see if you can write the story in your own genre.

My entry at 100 words exactly:

The goldfish bowl teetered and fell as I bumped against the nightstand on my way to the bathroom. Blood dripped on the carpet. Shit. My stepmother would freak. Bad enough that I'd broken her mirror, cutting my arm in the process, now I'd defiled her Berber.

I applied bandages and surveyed the damage. It looked like a botched suicide. I'd need long sleeves for school. Lucas was enough of an asshole to imply our breaking up had pushed me over the edge.

He was wrong.

I'd live, which is more than I could say for that fish he'd given me.

I couldn't come up with a title, so I left it off. Any suggestions?

32 comments:

Summer Ross said...

Good story- lets see title- sliced? Bad day? pieces of glass?

Kari Marie said...

I like your story! Title? Scarred or Wounded? (ugh. those are awful. Nevermind.)

Trisha said...

Hmm I don't know about a title, but I liked your story :) I must've missed your link in the list of entries, or else you haven't added it yet?

Michael Di Gesu said...

Hi, Lisa,

This was intense.... Poor fishy. Well done.

How about "Shattered dreams."

Rogue Mutt said...

Go Fish.

Jeanne said...

Very well done and kept my interest. As for a title, Well, Lucas's Legacy-Flushed!

I don't know that struck me funny. She did not seem to care about THAT fish.

Happily Cheesy said...

Botched--that's my title suggestion. Moving. Very nice.

Vicki Tremper said...

I like Botched - maybe with a question mark.

Great story. I especially liked "..now I'd defiled her Berber." LOL!

Lisa Potts said...

All nice title suggestions. I started out with 150 words so I had to do some major cutting. That's why flash fiction is so much fun. It teaches conciseness.

Sierra Gardner said...

This was really great! I don't have a title suggestion but really enjoyed the piece!

Amanda Milner said...

Cool story! Poor fish:( Lol! So many fish are being offed in these stories! Hmm, title, everyone has made such cool suggestions...
No Cryin' Over Spilled Fish?? Lol! Ugh, I got nothing. ☺

alberta ross said...

defiled a berber? liked that! - seems no one really likes the goldfishes so many dying! liked this - well done

Cally Jackson said...

Lucas sounds a tool. And that poor fishy... Great job!

Hey, while writing this comment, I glanced over and saw a link to my blog. Thanks! :D

Considering the name of your blog, I think it would be quite fitting for you to comment on my latest post - muse: fiction or fact.

Danette said...

Blood dripping, broken mirror and fishbowl, dying fish... very enjoyable!

Old Kitty said...

Oh wow!! Such drama!!! What about "the broken mirror" :-)

I like the imageries and the voice is amazing!! Take care
x

Cherie Reich said...

Great job! There is so much to this tiny bit of writing. I'm impressed. :)

Deborah Walker said...

That was great. You got a real feel of a complete story into a drabble. Something that's very difficult to do.

Hart Johnson said...

Oh, nice story... poor girl. Very vivid picture of the sort that makes you say 'that's something that would happen to me'.

Michelle Merrill said...

Good job on the flash fiction! I like the emotion :)

Witless Exposition said...

I love the line about the berber. Maybe something simple like Shattered. Or longer like Long Sleeves and Dead Fish. I'm drawn to long titles for shorter pieces.

Good job!

Lynda R Young said...

loved it! I like all the suggestions for a title!

Alison Miller said...

Lisa - this was sooooo good! I loved the "defiled the Berber" and I loved the last two lines. So telling.

Great job!

Title - Shattered I like Scarred too.

J.L. Campbell said...

I suppose fish kill would be too corny?

I meant to come by earlier and tell you I gave you an award on my blog today.

Margo Benson said...

Great flash piece - wonderful emotion! No idea for a title though, sorry!

Lisa Potts said...

Thanks so much for all the encouraging comments. And thanks for the award, J.L.!

Carol Riggs said...

Hey, I don't remember reading this before, when I went thru the linky list. Great job! Nice details, like the Berber carpet, and great voice.

Kerri Cuev said...

Hi Lisa! You're entry in the 2nd crusade challange has been shortlisted in the judging round. Great job!

Lisa Potts said...

Thanks, Kerri! I helped judge the last challenge, so I know how tough it is to choose. I appreciate the second look.

Kerri Cuev said...

Lisa your entry will be moving on to the final round! Good luck :)

Angela Scott said...

Very good. I liked that take on the fish/bowl/teetering challenge. Well done.

See how bad I am? I even participated in that challenge and I never could get around to everyone. Oh, I suck so bad!

BUT I plan to be better. I promise.

Consider yourself stalked :) You are now in my BEST DARN BLOGS EVER! file. So I will be back (after Hawaii).

Get better soon! The flu sucks.

~Angela

Lydia K said...

I think the "defiled the berber" was pure genius. I can't think of a title! I want to say "Of blood and berber" but that's not the true focus...

Lisa Potts said...

Thanks, Kerri!

Angela, you DON'T suck.

Lydia, I kinda like "Of Blood and berber".

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